Chapter 7
7.
4:31 pm
Dear boyfriend,
LOVE.LOVE. i'm glad you're staying so i can come live with you during the summers. Then in the fall when it is lonely and quiet, you can come and visit me at school. Yay!!
LOVE. LOVE. Hank is being typically weird.
i can't wait to see you. Everyone sends big hugs & loves but none as big as mine.
wet.wet.
i got my period, aren't you glad? i am. i'm psyched you had a good bonding talk w/my parents, especially at this time of crisis. i wish i could be there for you.
i am so in love w/you ezzie-pie.
hey hey, will you marry me (i'm asking you because you asked me.)???
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO...wait, let me specify:
XO(tummy)XO(neck)XO(thigh)XO(lipsies)XO(cheek)XO(chest)XO(ear)
-veronica
12:38 am
Dear boyfriend,
i just hung up the phone from talking to you. Sometimes i am so amazed by you and me and the way that we connect...
incredible.
this is the point that i'm getting to, the way we connected, even though i am now, finally at school and you, my lover, are in your apartment without me. are you not completely blissful at the way we merge & are communing together?
not w/anyone else, Ez. Ez?
oh my god, ezra, this sounds so cheesy, but it's SO fucking true (and i KNOW you know this) the way we connected tonight, man,
NO FUCKING ONE ELSE... i don't care @ all. this is what it's all fucking about, you & me, me & everything (the way i live, the way i see my life), Ezzie, you & i are SO
PERFECT
& baby i want to be your lover
& i want to be your wet wet friend, but this connection, but together, oh god yeah, PERFECT. it makes me want to grow old w/you. No. One. Else. just you (carrie & eloise can come a lot to visit). but you & i, oh god, ezzie, love is not the word. it's inadequate. but ezzie- oh my god- i love you so much and i REALLY want to be with you when you come back, sweetheart, ezzie-pie, i can't wait to make love to you.
god, our fucking is SO great!! Yay!!
well, I have to go do my lab report. cadavers are so dead, man. but you & i are living, loving, & happier than two people could ever be. i love you.
-roni
6:56 am
Dear friend,
what do i call you now? The-Boy-that-i-Fuck-but-Cannot-Really-Feel-Anymore? isn't that too long a title for such a simple soul as you?
i just got home from your place. the drive is so fucking long, but i had so much to think about that it went quickly. and i watched the sun rise and thought of all the sunrises that i watched with you. i never thought that a sunrise could be pretty without you... how CAN the sun rise when we are not together?
oh, my love, i couldn't stand to see you cry. i love you so. BUT, i have come to certain realizations:
you are selfish & you express your caring for me primarily through sex. yet i know that is a lie... you care for me through your creations, through driving many hours to spend time w/me. you give me flowers & newspaper articles & village voices & so much love. Oh, SO much LOVE!
it scared me when you told me, mid-fuck, that you wanted me to have your children. but i know that you just couldn't find the words for the emotions, it was a way to express the intensity, albeit weird- not to worry, WE BOTH GET IT.
i find your self-possession nice because it = independence, but infuriating when it = inability to communicate adequately or support.
SO WHAT? i love you, ez. SO WHAT? you're selfish. SO WHAT? i'm selfish. SO:
1. how bad is bad & how yucky is bad?
2)why do i need what i need?
3)what's worth what?
4)how do i give, what do i take?
you love me too.
-roneeeeekaaaahhhh.
7:45 pm
Dear friend,
for the first time in over a year, i have not eaten all day. it was not an attempt to starve myself into oblivion, but to get all of my work done before the day died.
everyone is dying, man. i am assigned to the ward for the terminally ill. do you know what it's like to live with absolutely no hope? i can't anticipate that any of them will be here tomorrow when i return. three have died already. i hope their time w/me somehow made a difference.
i really can't stand being so far from you. i love you too much to need you and not have you here. you are my best friend. what do i have without you? and yet, i am growing resentful of your art, your life outside of me. then i feel horrible for wishing anything but the best for you.
what is good for you must be good for me/ because it is only when you are happy that i am truly happy.
i am so glad that you have been mine for so long. remember those days when we were young? out on daddy's boat, stealing kisses behind the puffy white sails...bright sun, blue sky, our bright futures and our little blond heads perennially together? co-conspirators, best friends, lovers. remember when we were virgins together? remember when we learned our bodies together? so much love has been made...
it almost hurts too much to love you, ezzie.
come soon. i can't deal.
-veronica
4:15 am
Dear baby,
hey you. i know you expected to wake up and see my beautiful though grimy, morning sunshine face. i hope this e-mail will suffice.
i'm gone. i guess you noticed, but i wanted you to know why. oh, god, ezzie, i'm in love. i know, i said i'd never love another soul besides you, but i do. lately, all we've been doing is making love, ez. and when there's no love, you can't make anything good.
i almost wish i were there to share your morning w/you; taste your awakening mouth, the stuff from your sleepy eyes. Nobody tastes as good as you first thing in the am.
this love thing really throws you for a curve. i mean, my new baby is sexier than sex itself, but the body is nothing like yours. i never thought i would be able to leave that body of yours alone, but there you are and here i am, w/only a few scars and so many memories to remember you by.
can i ask you something? will you ever enjoy a rainy day again? w/out me, i mean? i don't know if i can...the rain pounding on the hood of the car, yet both of us safe, inside, holding each other. i take it back, ezzie. what we had was good...was it good for you?
i would feel worse about leaving you if you didn't have that body of yours, ez. but i KNOW that you won't be alone for long, so i don't feel too bad. in fact, i feel all right. my mother always told me 2 share. i'm sharing you w/the world again. i'm sure it missed you, like i'm going to, one of these days...
so i guess that's all she wrote for us, huh? i'm sorry if this isn't the ending we had in mind (marriage & children & white picket fences... didn't we share that dream for so long?), but the story still goes on, you know? i mean, there'll be different bodies, there are always different bodies, but it's the same story. i guess that's why you have to make moves, shake it up a little, you know?
even though this letter is getting long and my fingers are getting tired of typing, i don't feel like i've said what i wanted to say. but i guess i don't have to explain myself to you. U know me better than i know myself. maybe that's why i'm leaving, huh?
save a rainy day for me.
& keep smiling,
veronica
12:38 am
Dear ezzie,
oh, why do you cry so? you know i didn't mean all those horrible things i wrote. you know that i could never be that cold with you. all i can do is love you, that's all i know how to do.
it IS true that i am in love. i know you don't want to know, but i am so used to sharing every detail of my life with you. he is a doctor, he is thirty eight. he is married. and I am the biggest shithead home wrecker on the face of this earth.
i'm scared that i love him only because he is HERE. oh, why do we have to have miles and miles between us? Ezzie-pie, can we bridge this gap somehow?
i'm glad to know that you plan on continuing in your role as my best friend. i'm so glad to know that my mean and horribly uncaring message wasn't enough to keep us apart. maybe this space will be good for us. you, after all, have your exhibit to worry about, and i have exams in ALL of my classes next week.
in response to your question, lover, no, we haven't made love yet. that is still something so special that i can only imagine your beautiful body next to mine, the feel of you and only you inside of me. No. One. Else. Promise...
so you are still mine, even though we are not lovers? swell... i couldn't ask for more (except maybe you. Here. Mine. Completely. Forever.) without asking too much.
god, i hate myself for hurting you so...
-veronique
12:03 pm
Dear ex-boyfriend,
i had wine with lunch, to help me swallow your news...
well, i guess what's good for the goose is good for the gander...
i hope you and this Ellie will be very happy together. TOGETHER. i though that word was so exclusive...
so tell me, lover boy, are you planning on FUCKING her? are you going to put MY dick inside of her? know, KNOW that if you are fucking her, then i am fucking her, because you & i are one. there is no me w/out you and there is no you w/out me. So if you fuck her, I fuck her. let me know if i'm any good...
god, i sound so bitter... i just never imagined that this would happen to us. baby, baby, where did our love go? never mind, i know that it's still right here. we're just sowing our wild oats.
this wonderful wet wonderful thing called you & me will be resumed as soon as we get these sillies out of our systems. so kiss ellie for me and i shall kiss donald for you...
yours forever,
-ronica
7:04 am
Dear ex-ezzie,
i am laying here next to donald, but i am dreaming about making love to you. does that happen when you are in bed w/What'sHerName? can she satisfy you like i did?
it sounds like she is a pretty amazing person, if a bit self centered. does she really have an eating disorder? don't let her hurt you. i hurt you and i am so so sorry. you are far too wonderful to ever be hurt, okay?
(hey, is her art any good?)
i have been working ridiculous hours at the hospital, but it's worth it to see how happy my patients are when i'm there. god, life is such a precarious thing!
soon i will have vacation and i will come to see your exhibit, though i know your work like the back of my hand, like the back of your neck, the inside of your thigh...
i must go make some coffee, for my lover will awaken soon, but my thoughts, my love, are exclusively with you.
You & me...
-Varooomica
9:42 pm
Dear Ezra
i am glad you are excited that i will be coming. have you informed What'sHerName of my impending arrival yet? i am so SO sure that she is psyched to meet me, your former better half. she mustn't feel threatened. i am not coming back to claim you. yet. she may keep you a while longer, though donald IS growing tedious and dull, two things you never were.
w/ you, life was EXCITING and SPECIAL!!
well, i will call you tomorrow to let you know my exact plans. don't get too excited, okay? I am practicing being nice to Ellie already.
-Hello. How do you do?
see? don't i sound nice/civil? no, i am sure i will love her, because you love her (or say that you do. your feelings for her seem to be growing more profound. is it because of the sex?) and anything that makes you happy truly ,truly makes me happy. it's that simple...
well, i'll call you tomorrow or the next day to let you know when i'll be coming.
can i slip a hug and a kiss by ellie? will she miss that lovin'?
xo!
-roni
