Chapter 10
10.
Nina,
In your absence, I've found you: you're in my heart. And though I shake with fear at the concept, I shall keep you there. If you'll have me.
Without wanting to, I like you even more now than I did when you were here. Yet at the same time I tell myself, "Oh, she would never again be interested in me!" My memory of your casual confidence daunts me. But how I want you to like me! How I hate that you are with that stupid boy, yet how I think he must be better than me, somehow, if he has you.
Your face is now the face next to mine in all those ideas I've had about love. I wanted to make you happy-- happier than you've ever been. But I waited, solemnly and hopefully, for your response. And when I got that response, I was afraid to find out what it was, afraid to open your letters and be let down.
I've waited my whole life for you, even when I didn't yet know it was you I was waiting for. This time, it's not only my pride at stake. You're in my blood, my love. You course through my body. You are an inextricable part of me. And I am hopelessly, helplessly in love with you.
I don't know if it's the wine or the epiphany, but my heart doesn't feel cold anymore. I eagerly await our reunion- to look into your eyes, to be in your arms. To be. I need you next to me-- in more ways than one-- and I sense that you're willing to have me, if not hold me.
I don't know if you're ready for such a love. I don't know if you deserve it. But you're in for it, come hail or high water. So hold on to your seat. I'm comin', baby.
-Emma
Dear Mom & Paolo,
I feel like the things that change me aren't where I am. I lost my destiny and was stuck in a rut where there is no feeling, only doing. So I'm gone.
Please don't think that I don't appreciate all that both of you have done for me. I do. Mom, I love you. Love, LOVE. Hank is being typically weird. Where did I read that? And who the fuck is Hank? Another life, another girl... Anyway, I am very proud of you. I hope our exhibition goes well. Please think of something to tell the reporters as to why I am not able to be there with them tomorrow. Tell them I went off to find the girl of my dreams, the one in the paintings. Tell them I'm a lesbian, if you like. Hey, it may make headlines.
Paolo, thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for seeing my talent and making me feel like my work is worth a damn. I leave it at your discretion to exhibit my work for as long as you like. Make my checks payable to my mommy. And Mom, don't spend it all in one place, okay?
Well, anyway, the bar is about to close. So I, too, close.
With love,
Emmanuelle
Ezra,
Will you sleep better knowing I'm yours? Will it change the way you part your hair? If so, please accept me (past tense) as a token of my appreciation for all that you've done for me.
I imagine you in my arms and my hands, and not just in my mind as you are now. And I am whole and I am laughter and I am love because of you. And I am willing to pry aloose my grasp on my little heart. Because of you. Which means I shall love and be loved again, in spite of my religion, because of you. And that is more wonderful than a whole month of Sundays and sunsets. And that is wonderful, because of you.
I don't know if it's the wine or it's you, but I don't feel cold anymore. Actually, I feel quite warm (maybe it is the wine). I digress. But there is so much more to me than the cold quotidian I portray. And you know that. And you love that. And I, in turn, love you. You have helped me in so many ways, and I feel it.. How I feel it! I feel warm, cold, happy, sad, scared, scarred-- all at once. But I wanted to feel this, for I wanted to love you. In spite of my harsh, dissuasive words, I wanted this, I needed this, more than anything.
And you, my baby, are beautiful. And thoughtful. And caring. And loving. And loved. I'm not saying that I'm in love with you, for that is something reserved for a beautiful little bisexual in Miami. But you, my sweet, have penetrated my heart. How? My world is so tiny, with so few cracks. Who let this sunshine in? And, more importantly, will it promise to stay even when I'm not in your arms?
I'm still kind of scared. Scared to feel. Scared that you've become just another Spanish step in my life's procession. Scared to hang in a noose of my own design. You can't understand how much I needed this.
But wasn't it ridiculous to think that you and I could make a whole? I was too amorphous to be loved, and too loved to be amorphous. So I'm gone.
Know that every day I will love you. Where it's quiet. And you, my angel, you will love me where you smile. And we'll find a way to live without each other, until we're both just fond spirits to tell our grandchildren about.
Goodbye, darling Ezra, Goodbye.
But darling, know...
I'm growing old with you.
-Elle
p.s. i hope you and ronnie will be very happy together.
can i slip an XO by her? Will she miss that lovin'?
XO!
